Because it means that my life constantly exists on two planes: excellent and nose bleed.
These are the excellent things: I threw my first body shop party solo this evening. I did well, with cards. I am not a script-follower generally. I got a solid, positive, promising lead on some consistent freelance work today. I had two decent prospects at work today. I entered the body shop order in record time, and figured out how to order some stuff I didn't know how to order before. My sisters' friends' mom, Cathy, is a very, very cool woman, and I chatted a bit with her this evening. She is inspirational because she gets paid to do art. My dearest friends in the world, Noelle and Feike, will be visiting next weekend. I have been holding myself to New Year's resolutions and being proactive in doing things that will make me happier.
These are the things that cause nose bleeds: I am broke. Poorer than I've been since moving home. Patience, I keep telling myself, Patience! I need to buy new underwear. My cat, Oolong, is [in heat, retarded, sick???] and she keeps peeing on things. She has been living in the basement for 3 days. I want to take her to the vet, but i can't afford it. She needs to be fixed. I haven't had the time to write e-mail or update this thing in 5 to 7 days. All words for numbers ten and under should be spelled out, and I have screwed that up at least 5 times today, once in the e-mail to the promising-freelancing-work-guy. I am terribly sexually frustrated. The laundry is piling up, and I have more food in the fridge than I can consume before it spoils. If only unspoiled food could be traded for cash.
Often, when I am seeing the hardest edges of my adulthood, both planes are going breakneck.
I have no philosophical mental spew to soften these edges. I have no real idea of what to do except for to keep doing.
I get that Beatle's song, "Help!" for the first time, ever.
2 comments:
Regardless, you are still loved.
In my experience, life is a nose bleed. All we do is find ways to plug it up so we can just live.
We, meaning you and me and some we choose to associate with, are blessed in ways that either allows us to make hemorrhaging: cool, look cool, or seem revolutionary because we come up with ways to live while bleeding profusely.
In between nose bleeds or while making the best of what we have during nose bleeds, we find times where we stun ourselves with our utter coolness. These awakenings make life seem as if we live on two planes: one being excellent and the other that fucking nose bleed.
My advice: do the best you can with what you have. Love yourself for all your mistakes and try really really really hard to shower everyone with your natural charm. That’s what will constantly remind you how cool and wonderful you are despite the mere fact that being a grown up sucks.
I love you Sharon Heady! Thank you.
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